PART 5 – THEY STOLE MY SMILE AND FOR CHILDREN THIS IS FOREVER.
The first action was the mummification.
This to me was it.
“So basically I have to wear a covering over my mouth? my nose? No one will see my smile?”
This destroyed me.
Showing my face and my smile walking down the street as an older person who seems to be non existent anyway, it was the only way for me to connect with human beings.
I will be blunt. This is true.
And now THEY were going to mummify my face? My smile? My expressions.
I can tell you this was my FIRST REBELLION, MY FIRST OBSERVATION THAT PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE.
I knew this meant the end of my life as I knew it.
I remember my thought when going outside.
I wore a scarf around my mouth.
Like the air was going to kill me?
I found it pathetic.
I did it because I was told to.
But I felt like an idiot. So I would take it off as soon as I could.
I never felt the threat.
I never was scared of getting sick.
My inner voice told me “whatever this ‘virus’ is.. it is inert… it is not a living thing…and it is already harmonizing in your body, so don’t worry.”
I could see people literally RUN CIRCLES AROUND ME when my scarf was off my face. It was truly incredible. I was shaking my head and I was shocked. People were so so scared. And I was shocked how much I was completely looked at as a threat.
The most important difference is this: I was never one to obey.
I don’t obey.
I won’t obey.
I consider myself a survivor because I do not play the game that everyone is playing.
Let’s just put it, I have gone from country to country and maybe I’m running, but I am not PLAYING THE GAME THAT MAINSTREAM WORLD WANTS ME TO PLAY.
So I keep moving.
And I care for myself. Because I know I’m alone. So health is the number one priority.
In my 30s and 40s, I wanted to simply write my film scripts and meet enough people who will support me in getting these projects done.
That never happened.
I guess I’m not a people person.
I’m more of a goat person I guess.
I never worried about getting sick.
I knew my truth.
I also knew something that the majority didn’t know or have not probably experienced. I had been “seriously” alone since 2002. What I mean by alone? I did not have any support. I didn’t have a group of friends that called me, that invited me to lunch, that cared. I was alone. The reasons for all this are simple and yet complex, but I was truly living a monastic life and this has gone on since my mother died and going on 20 years so far.
I am ok about this.
I don’t fight it.
I still dream and cultivate future comrades and hope for a community of sweet, intelligent, highly witty and humorous beings, plus their dogs, their cats and as many goats, and cows and sheep I can rescue.
I found Maxwell, the beautiful white pigeon who flew to my fire escape and stood around waiting for something. So I fed him sunflower seeds and slowly after a few months, he let me feed him with one hand while i pet him with the other. You get the seeds, I get to touch you. I felt I was blackmailing him. But I felt I needed him. I needed him to want the sunflowers seeds. Yes, we can make friends in these odd ways. But he did fly away, and he did not like the petting after a while. So I just fed him and let him just be without my need.
I wasn’t scared to be alone.
I wasn’t scared to be without need.
I wasn’t scared about being locked down, because my life was already a monastery.
I don’t have someone to bury me if i drop dead. (That is why i want to be put on a high tower somewhere and let the birds eat me! GO ZOASTRIAN METHOD!!! ) I don’t have someone who will come pay my rent if I get thrown into a hospital and forced onto a ventilator to eventually be forced into ultimate death. By the Way: This is what happened in Elmhurst Queens.
Perspective on a Pandemic: Ex Iraqi War Nurse gives Testimony on her time in Queens City Hospital. The worst hospital in NYC.
I think we are on our own.
I think no one is coming to save us.
I think the Corona the crown, as I will call this because I do not believe any of this is real. Yes, there is some bacteria, or virus but I will not compromise, and I will call it a bioweapon that is intended to destroy, to maim, to injure and to depopulate and eventually to drive the population towards a cashless one world currency and a digital bio-metric global identity in order to be controlled and surveilled and to withhold all that makes us human into machine- artificial digital existence.
There are class action lawsuits. I’m praying.
People like me are dangerous because when you have nothing… nothing to lose.. you are free to fight… to rage.. and to speak out. They don’t want anyone to hear it.
So I make sure when the police stop me… I speak / yell LOUDLY, how this is NAZI GERMANY 1933. I make sure to speak about the ‘euthanasia” / the clinics where they brought the disabled to be killed with an injection in Germany, in Hartheim, in Pirna, in Sonnenstein. These were “healing clinics”. You can read about these places in my blog.
On one hand I want to reflect the spirit of SOPHIE SCHOLL on the other hand, I want to run to the forest and find my soul.
The Corona crown brought the push.
The push to stop thinking and making the plan, but to actually find a way to get the money and go into the wild.
Is it making people ask about their own meaning? Who are you? What are you doing? And how are you going to react to a government that is imprisoning you and restricting you because you are the contagion. Which is all false.
(Look at the list above.. you will understand).
My life because of financial constraints was boring to many, but to me, I live in and with side by side my imagination, my creativity, my scripts, my tv pilots, my book and my animated characters.
My goal since 2015 has been to finish my book. Along with this plan comes stigmata and blood- letting. I needed help. I needed a mentor and a writing therapist. Someone I can spar with, because I wasn’t sure after 500 pages. So I stopped and went back to NYC for a year in 2019 to stop.
I still need a writing therapist.
I still need help finishing this book.
Everything is timing.
But the Coronation…. it pushes me to finish or to just give up.
Do I really care about WRITING / FILM SCRIPTS / FILM ANYMORE? Does anyone who is AWAKE???
I see the RICH AND FAMOUS, the HOLLYWOOD, the NEW YORK GLITTERATI, the NETFLIX crew and writers… DO THEY REALLY REMAIN SILENT AND MAKE CONTENT THAT IS ABOUT WHAT? DIVERSION??
JUST HYPNOTISE PEOPLE WITH NON STOP TV SERIES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FIGHTING BACK???
My world is within. The stars, the moon and the sun is within me and I daily find a way to uplift these elements to the ether… through meditation, through my own utterances and ritual. My prayers. I am cultivating a partnership with my guides and my ancestors, some who I have no idea who they are.. but they are there.
I have had this world all my life, and the mythology and the expression can be found in my short stories, in my short film scripts and in my spoken word pieces but the truth is this:
I have never really spoken to ANYONE of my soul. I have never spoken of my divine consciousness, my guides, my angels, my reflections on Buddhist philosophy, and the precepts that I struggle with and seem to not adhere to as I do believe we have an ego for a reason and it should be used altruistically, to be used to bring beauty, audacious, magnificent energy and service. But we have a powerful identity and we should let it reveal itself in all its individuality
and uniqueness and give that space rather than destroy it. What is my higher purpose? What is my higher service?
How do I evolve?
I never spoke to anyone about these topics… my inner world was always my own because NO ONE SEEMED INTERESTED .. even lovers. So I put all this into my writing, my stories.. projects..
The ideas were beings.
The ideas are still beings… but they are angry and many have flown away… because I couldn’t control all of them. I couldn’t work on them all and finish them all.
But art / spirituality / the metaphysics / the esoteric study / the paranormal / how I formulate my world has not been shared….
I have no community in which I can share, in which I can learn….
But maybe because of THE CORONA CROWN, this will change. Why?
Which I find such a hypocricy.
If I were free.
If i had my human rights.
If i wasn’t treated like a JEW in 1933, “papers please”…. I could go and do. Even though these are all illegal mandates they are NOT LAWS. So we are all waiting for the day this hits the SUPREME COURT.
So now because we are “restricted” from everything, we do things in our homes and we meet everyone on the screen in our homes… which makes me sick, but I sense I have found many many …
I am finding THE OTHERS through the ipad and through the groups that are meeting on ZOOM.
I would rather be in the mountains with a group of local witches who meet at midnight and offer up gifts to the deities of the night wonder and laugh and sing and dance towards the north and south and west and east and the 4 elements.
Where I am alone, there is now a few more possibilities of meeting with people that GET IT.
I learn each day. I seek each day. Even now, I am banned. I am banished. I am in exile. I wasn’t able to do much before. Now, I cannot go to the cafe, but rather I can sit outside while freezing. I cannot go to the sauna to sweat. I cannot go to the yoga studio without a vaccination.
I also have to say something deeply unfashionable: it is not relentless self-absorption that makes us realize our interior mess is directly mirrored outside ourselves. That’s not vanity, that’s attention. It’s not hubris, it’s horrifying clarity. If you don’t attend to your soul’s vitality with intent, then suppressed it’ll run you ragged. They are not above catastrophe to get your attention. Soul seems more dangerous to talk about than sex, violence, death or money these days. – Dr. Martin Shaw