“Rats and roaches live by competition under the law of supply and demand; it is the privilege of human beings to live under the laws of justice and mercy. It is impossible not to notice how little the proponents of the ideal of competition have to say about honesty, which is the fundamental economic virtue, and how very little they have to say about community, compassion, and mutual help.”
― Wendell Berry, What Are People For?


“Many of us want to be led. As children we look to our parents to protect us, to soothe our fears, to relieve us of responsibility. As adults we seek the same protection — we want powerful leaders, leaders who appear fearless and resilient. Our narcissistic culture also demands that our leaders are charismatic self-assured, and eloquent we want leaders who can perform on the world stage. We relinquish our power to those who covet high office and yet while their lies and manipulations, lack of remorse can make them appear insane, most are not, their madness lies in their lack of conscience, their absolute freedom from ethical constraints The global influence of many of these high-profile individuals is growing. Together they have been forming grandiose plans. They will vaccinate the entire world. They will block out the sun. They will BUILD BACK BETTER. We don’t imagine that psychopaths might be politician.”

I should have seen it coming.

But I didn’t know how to say it.
Express is.
Share it.
Let it out.

I kept it in.
And I hid it.
Like I hide organically, because there are no people around me, in which I can verbalize and

So. I knew.

I read about it.
I looked at it.
I saw it all.
But I denied it.

I had heard something like this was going to happen “one day.”

On New Years Day, 2000 I begged all I met, “You must become a warrior now… there will be no where to hide. You must become an INNER WARRIOR and be ready.”

But more than that… my inner senses for years and years were howling out in pain for what I could feel.

I felt it from the earth.
I felt it in the clouds.

I felt it when it rained. I would weep.
I could feel the pain.
I knew there was something breaking.
But the “potential” of a break would go on and on and on.
Nothing would ultimately break, as it
was a continual leaning Tower of Pisa. Never quite toppling over as it seemed she would.

How can we gauge when the tree trunk will split, when all the animals inside the trunk will decay and fly away and run? This can take years. Death comes slow, suffering is the bitch.

From 2015 – 2019 I would write my chaos on paper and paint and draw lines and circles and geometric parasitical long elongated tapeworm like images…. I was in a rage I could honestly say. Rage at noise coming from the idiot neighbor who has played non stop video games daily, like HE IS A VIDEO GAME and I have to listen to the earthquake that the machine makes? Non stop. The guy does nothing else but play videogames. Who does that? The stupids? Those bored with life and cannot put on a pair of headphones in consideration for others? I would rage at the stupid person glued to his phone walking across the street, rage at technology, rage again at the phone, rage at American hegemony (remember Trump was rising!) Mostly it was the graphic video footage of white police officers murdering innocent black men, children, women….

On the phone.

All contained IN the phone.

I saw the phone take video of police murdering young, innocent, unarmed black men. We saw this with MIKE BROWN, we saw this with PHILANDO CASTILLO and then every month, every day, every year we saw the online broadcast of murder. The murder of a black person while just being black. That is what this was. Simple. Been going on since 1600s in America, right?

American History. This was the American way. America is genocide. America spends more money on war and weaponry than care for its population. The priority is genocide, be it genocide the dirt, the earth, the trees, the nature, be it the people, always the poor and vulnerable, and always the indigenous and people of color and then the rest, poor white people who are just as lost in this murky mire of an orchestrated systematic slow neutralization of the nothings. The common working person in America. We have enough examples, I don’t even want to go there. We should all know this by now. Sadly most Americans have no idea, so now they want to teach it in school and I say yes. YEEEES. The truth must be spoken and through that America will change. Now Maybe a few more know about 1619 and the Indian massacres before then, during and after? A small amount had changed. When we see the video footage we realizing nothing has changed.

This was the call.

What your eyes have seen they have seen. Once you see the injustice, you can never again in good faith deny the oppression and defend the oppressor. What was loyalty is now betrayal. From now on, if you don’t resist, you collude. Ursula Le Guin

The phone proved what white America didn’t really want to believe, but now the evidence was tangible. The terrible was intentional, repugnant and now we could all see. It was revealed.

The phone became our confessor. All can be revealed. George Carlin predicted there would come a time where citizens would use the TV not just as their 15 minutes of fame, but as their way out. They could commit suicide in front of millions. They could expose every little tidbit of their lives to others. I say George Carlin saw YOUTUBE as the future.

Yes, the revolution WILL be televised on your phone 24 hours a day. Death. Suicide. Murder. Confessions. All found on your phone.

And then the break came.

And when it showed its head in March 2020, I should have seen it all.

I had spent one year before 2019, studying alchemy. Mostly through studying a deck of tarot

Alchemy was an ancient study of altering properties of matter. A magical process to transform metals into gold. To create a magical catalyst that would be the agent of the ultimate transmutation. If one could learn the secret of purifying gold, one could use the technique to purify the human soul. The metals were also looked at as souls, bodies and spirits. This leads to the topic of immortality, and the elixir, that will cure any disease. This elixir would be called the PHILOSOPHERS STONE. This also represented enlightenment. You would think “hey we got gold here… we must be gods now!” We start with the PRIMA MATERIA, which was the PRIMAL MATTER. The formless chaos. And from here we get the 4 elements. This was also the first ingredient to create the stone. FIRE, WATER, AIR AND FIRE. Then we have the ANIMA MUNDI, the soul of the world. Which you cannot see.

And so we go through the various stages of transformation…. in the alchemist lab!! Various techniques, and the various stages. Nigredo, the black raven, the dark night of the soul. This NIGREDO represented 2020. Killing my past self, as there is no renewal without death. Alchemy shows the beginning of the great work, by the putrification, and the rot. We can only be born again by dying, decomposing and the shedding of this container.

That was my year.


Slow rot and disintegration.

Study Alchemical understanding, while caring for a 98 year old, making sure she didn’t pee in the bed at night. I was up at night, waiting to hear if my charge was somehow in a sleepwalking moment, intentionally taking her sweatpants off and peeing in the her bed. My ears were trained to pick up her every movement, like a hunter stalking its prey, I was tuned in to the pee moment, and to stop it at any cost.

To stop the chaos.

To stop the uncontrollable.

I was helpless I learned. Chaos would come just as easy as the pee would seep out.

Yup. 2020 was pee and alchemy.

I loved this lady.

She was a tough broad we would say in the 1940s film noir speech. But her mind was slinking away.

I wanted her to be revitalized and that became my call.

Wanting her to remember who she was became my star guide.

Wanting her to go back to 1950s, when she was an Anna Magnani look alike spitfire ball of fire female not putting up with anyones garbage. She was a communist. She stood for justice. She was an activist. And now she was a woman in a wheelchair, who smiled deeply, but was losing her existence to herself and the within life was not to be found.

Where was she? And where was I?

“Is that Corona thing still here.” She would ask.

“It can’t come up here, we’re way high up on the 12th floor”.

I had plans for 2019. I wanted to get my drivers license, so I could get out of NYC. So I could give up my apt and get some money and find a cheap cottage in the middle of nowhere. I wanted to go “nowhere”.

My goal since the 90s as I lived upstate was to go back up there and find a goat cheese making apprenticeship and work on the earth and just give up.

From 2002-2012, I had tried to find my way, but I was drowning. The years I should have tried to learn another trade, I was trying to find my inner being. What was my core. Where was my heart Where was my soul? Did I have a heart? Did I have a soul and where the hell did I put it? Where did it all go?

The trouble really began when I said: I’m going to write an epic novel. I have the story! A story no one has ever envisioned. And I have been battling a WW2 battle with a book on WW2 in fact and a super hero girl, visualizing the statement of my time here on this planet. It was nothing less. It was all I had left. The story and the message. I had lost my way. The book was going to help me find my way back to land. I was drowning in the sea. I knew there was a deeper message and that this message that I had imbued in so many short film scripts, short stories and much writing had been overlooked and passed over.

I felt 2019 was almost an ending for me, even though the book manuscript was in Berlin waiting for me in a suitcase.

Yet it called.
It howled.
It needed to be done with.
I needed to go through this alchemical process, the night of the dark soul, and I needed to move
through the different initiations as if I were to finish this opus.

The prima material. The first form of this life I had formulated.

I didn’t care what happened to it, all I knew is that it must be finalized. Closed. Done with.

And the irony is that IT IS STILL NOT DONE WITH and we are in 2021.

Can we ever backtrack and stop time.

Give it a pause, so we can catch up?

So, in NYC, with no drivers license and with no way out I still had my plan. But the pieces did not merge to allow this to be. But my instinct was right. Get out of NYC and find the earth.

Instead, I just began the alchemical process of calcination: the core realization to find what is underneath. To reduce matter to its purest essence. A breaking down of arrogance, self doubt and self sabotague. The process involves heating and decomposing raw matter. Breaking down the parts of ourselves that are in the way of our own happiness. Sometimes we just want things to be PERFECT disregarding the messiness.

Charles Eisenstein says it well:

For most of my life, I have had the feeling that humanity was nearing a crossroads. Always, the crisis, the collapse, the break was imminent, just around the bend, but it didn’t come and it didn’t come. Imagine walking a road, and up ahead you see it, you see the crossroads. It’s just over the hill, around the bend, past the woods. Cresting the hill, you see you were mistaken, it was a mirage, it was farther away than you thought. You keep walking. Sometimes it comes into view, sometimes it disappears from sight and it seems like this road goes on forever. Maybe there isn’t a crossroads. No, there it is again! Always it is almost here. Never is it here.

I remember in 2015, I felt like I was dying.

It was the year of the phone. At least for me.

I never had a phone, other than an old black, toy coffin-like object, where i could frustratingly type a message while screaming at the machine to stop doing what it was doing. Every time I tried to type a message it came out as some devil code of Ouji Board confusion. Why did the phone not listen to me screaming? I hated it then. I hate it now. I was drawn to a big ass phone at home.

My mother had a big black bakelite phone. It was black and it was heavy. It was like a LEAD BOMB nailed to the wall. And I will never forget the day I came home from school and the black phone was gone. It was gone. They took it. Who took it? They took it. And a white wall phone was placed on the daisy wallpaper and it was plastic, and it was cheap and lightweight and I just wanted the black thug fighter FAT ASS phone back. The protector in the house was the AL CAPONE or VIVA ZAPATA SHOOT OUT phone. When anyone came in the house, they would notice this ROCK of a phone. It was like the HOLY OF HOLIES in the temple. It was like the rock of mecca. Yes. It was worshipped.

So, phone calls were MEANT for home.

That is where you made your phone calls.
And phone calls were something sacred.
You took time, you spoke with intention.
A phone call made was something thought about.
You didn’t make phone calls outside.

I still feel this way.

When speaking with a friend, I make an appointment, because I want time and I want to be free and I want to hear and listen for a few hours.

Every time someone called me on this coffin-like phone, I would bend down onto the ground. Yes.. I would be on a bus, and i would bend down onto the ground, so as not to be bothering anyone, and bending down seemed to me as “hiding” from everyone.

People would look at me and laugh.
And yes.. I would whisper.. and then yell, “Can you hear me… I cannot speak. I am on a bus.”

Yes, I miss the phone booths. Simply because you can close the door and hide from the sidewalk and the world. The point of a phone booth was privacy. YOU DIDN’T WANT ANYONE TO HEAR YOU.

What a concept.

The phone booth was not about vanity. It was not about hubris. It was not made for display, for exposure and for stardom.

It was about truly being present!!

Your smartphone is everything. Not just a phone to call people, but has everything on it for you to not concentrate on that phone call. Your bank account, your photos and your entire life.

Not my life.

I don’t have that problem.

I live in the 1800s in my soul.
My mantra since 2000 when I could sense the solar flares forming in the cosmos was:
Horse and Buggy
Wood burning stove.

Maybe I just live in the world of the soul, and the making of what is divine…. being the monk in the woods, surrounded by the trees, the birds… the hawks gliding overhead… knowing no matter what, I was free from all the corporate, American genocidal mania, the narcissism, the psychopathic intentions of not just America, but simply THE WORLD OF THE FINANCIAL MAN, the BROKER, THE STOCK MAN, THE DERIVATIVE MAN..and now THE BIG PHARMA BILLIONAIRE empire.

The ones who have everything and 100 times more than they will ever need in this life. They stole it all. None of this has been earned. It has been stolen.. From me. From you. It is no mystery. And they have plundered. The world. Us. Nature. And now THEY ARE COMING FROM US. To turn us.

I never cared for money until 2010.

I realized the money I need is the money for doing altruistic actions to help this fucked up society.

That is all I want money for.

I don’t need much.

I live off 1000 a month.

My life is simple and yes boring. I could do with community and fun and good, kind and understanding people… but I am still living, writing and doing it the simple way.

And standing up for my truth.

Dr. Martin Shaw, my new hero being said: “How do i earn my name?

Not in a podcast, not with success.
It is shown in what you defend.
What you love.
What you stand for… “

Protect the nature.
Stop the suffering.

And with the CORONA CROWN, we have
seen the opposite.

More suffering than ever.

The science and the statistics show it.

Lockdowns obviously destroy small businesses and jobs and lives, and paying the rent and dear God, how much do you have to study to use common sense… THIS IS DESTROYING THE WORLD.

A flu like inert “virus” “substance” that killed the vulnerable in America 800,000 because Americans are overweight, 50%!!! And do not have a local doctor because they don’t have health insurance, because they work 7 days a week and THERE IS NO SAFETY NET BECAUSE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS A PROFIT MAKING SNAKE SUCKING EVERYTHING OUT OF THE WORKER SLAVE. And they died non stop. I am sorry. But it is true!!

Why was no one asking “How many people die of flu a year? And this has been shown 1000 times scientifically to show: it affects the sick and the aged. Which is what an EXTREME FLU does.

Read Part-2

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